My Anxious Heart

I was laying there in bed tonight and I just couldn’t sleep.  I opened up my laptop on the couch and decided read a few blogs.  I have been struggling with anxiety lately.  I’ve dealt with it in the past and usually I can pray and eventually fall asleep.  Tonight is different.  I am overwhelmed by fear…from Satan I know.  I am worried that something bad will happen to one of my boys. I know all mom’s probably have these same worries from time to time.  I’ve had a few panic attacks lately.  I’ve never dealt much with them but, twice during my pregnancy with Titus.  They are AWEFUL!!  I know much of this is due to our situation with our neighbor’s.  I fear for my kids, what they will see and hear.  I haven’t mentioned it hear for a bit because I don’t want you to think it’s just for drama.  I came to the realization that we need serious prayer and support! 

Friday night was terrible.  I went out at 8:30pm to water my flowers.  I had waited all day to be outside at all since my NL(neighbor lady) was out.  She’s been rude with her comments and glares at me so I’d prefer to be away from her.  She has yelled mean things at Noah as well.  It has been over two months since the incident where someone vandalized my flower beds.  We did call the police that night to make an informal report.  We NEVER told the police that her child did anything to our yard.  She assumed it though which makes them seem very guilty.  From that night on she has been awful.  Not long after the flower incident Shan installed two cameras on our house(which the company he works for sell) for our safety and to catch any further crimes.  When she saw the cameras she went nuts on us and told all the neighborhood kids we had them pointed right at her front door!  NO WAY!!  We have them pointing down our driveway in the flowerbeds.  If you look you can even tell that they aren’t angled that way.  Well, she’s convinced herself and can’t seem to get over it.  That catches some of you up to speed on the situation.  Her son has also hit Noah and beat him one day with a rod on his back that left marks.  It’s been a terrible bully situation for us.  (off track I guess….back to Friday night) 

Friday  night I went out to water and move a few flowers..plant two that my friend and neighbor Kim had left me.  I hardly stepped foot out the door when she began to yell….taunt….cuss…and all in front of the three girls from our neighborhood and her son.  They are all 8,9 and 12 years old. (two girls are 8) They were over at her house playing outside and it began.  She was telling them all in a LOUD…almost yelling voice that I was a B****and she went on to use the terrible F word as some sort of adjective before EACH word to follow.  I have never, ever in my life been treated this way.  I tried to ignore, didn’t even look over at them.  I am thankful that the noise from watering the flowers drowned out some of the yelling.  She had the kids start cheering…”turn the camera’s off!”  They all yelled it about 10 times as loud as possible.  She laughed as loud as she could as they did.  Her language was just terrible…I makes my heart hurt.  I didn’t want to just go inside…she would have loved that!  I calmly went to the door and asked Noah to get Shan.  I told him to stay in the backyard or inside.  Shan came out and was stunned by what was going on.  He stood out there with me as I watered and finished transplanting flowers.  She screamed at both of us…”you don’t intimidate me”…”I’ll bash your face in if you ever talk about my son again..”  Mind you with many nasty words in between.  We debated on what to do.  We have it recorded in our notes of what all has happened.  I still think we should have called the police.  She was harassing, menacing, aiding to the delinquency of minors, threatening….and more!  What she is teaching these kids is awful.  It kills me that their parents could care less where they are during the day.  She even had the girls come to the edge of the road with super soakers and try to shoot me with water.  When they couldn’t reach…they did it to our van instead.  For two months now this has been going on…we have been silent.  We have never reacted to her once.

Later that night as we talked about it we can’t help but think of Jesus…of his followers who were persecuted.  I feel horribly wronged.  I am hurt.  I cry.  I feel trapped in my house.  None of this pain is near what they felt or what Jesus went through for me.  My comfort is knowing that He loves me.  He knows the truth.  He understands my pain and sorrow in this.  Pray for me please.  Pray for Shan..that God will give us wisdom on what to do next.  He is wanting to talk to her husband but, he is never there.   He works a night shift and is home at a different time than Shan is.  He is barely home.  He doesn’t seem to want to be home.  We aren’t sure at this point how he will react.  He’s never there to see what is really going on.  He is just hearing it from her very, very twisted point of few.  Pray for our safety.  I have been scared that she will do something really bad.  She did threaten me now.  I pray Jesus will guard my boys hearts, ears, eyes, and lives.  I know He will.  Pray for my anxious heart to feel lighter….not so heavy and aching.  Pray that I can pray for this lady and that I will not become bitter or feel any hate.  I am trying to “love her like Jesus” but it is so hard. 

We spent the past days working on our house.  I pray we can get more done on it so we can put it up for sale soon.  I really want to move.  I know running away from problems isn’t usually the answer in life but this time…I’m thinking it may be a good idea.  Sorry this is so long.  My heart is aching tonight and I had to share.  If you read all of this…I love you to pieces!


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