My heart is in a tender, broken place. I have an ache, a hollow place that is drawing my attention and my emotions. My focus and aim is not on the Lord alone but, on my wants. I’m sure NO ONE can relate with that!?
Since I was a little girl, I have wanted to be a mama. I had so many different baby names picked out! Man, I’m glad I grew out of some of those names…”Ursula” being one! It was a joy to play with my baby dolls. I pretended to nurse my babies as my mom nursed my brother! I love that God placed that desire in my heart as a little girl. When Shan and I met, one of our most serious conversations was about being a wife and a mama. He knew where my heart was and that is one thing that made him know I was the girl for him! I wanted to stay at home and care for him and for whatever children God would place in our lives. NO, I did not always do a stellar job but, God has brought me so far! I praise Him as I look back at where I was 13 plus years ago til now. Oh, the grace and mercy He has poured out on me.
When we were married all of four months we decided to give our family to the Lord, family size that is. We trusted Him to give us the kids He wanted to, knowing He is sovereign over all. Nine months later I was expecting Noah James. We were thrilled!!! After Noah the doctor’s mentioned to me that they didn’t think I would be able to have any more children. My hormones were “off” and my body wasn’t able to keep a baby in my uterus…it wouldn’t attach. Noah was 4 1/2 at the time and we’d been longing for more children for years. I went to the health food store and grabbed some natural progesterone, praying that would help my hormones to even out! 9 months later I was shocked and expecting, Titus Daniel! High risk and lots of bed rest was on tap but, all so worth it! What a joy Titus has been to our home.
Here was are now. Titus is almost 6 years old! Time has flown by so quickly. After six years, I still long for a child. I miss a little person that I’ve never even met! I day dream about him or her and tears spring to my eyes. I pray for God to bless our home as He sees fit. We pray He will add to our home. We want to raise children who love Him and that will greatly impact the world with the gospel! Our boys, especially Titus, prays often for a baby. He blesses my heart with his prayers. Sunday, was a hard day for me. I woke up once again to see that I was not expecting. I wasn’t shocked or surprised but, disappointed. Some days I feel like everyone I know has a new baby, pregnant or is in the process of adopting. I rejoice with these dear families, I do! We went to church and I was okay, until I met a new baby that had been added to our church. Friends, had their beautiful, newly adopted daughter there for us to meet! I had so looked forward to meeting her and hearing all about the birth. I did okay for a few seconds! My heart literally broke. I can’t explain it any other way. I felt horrible but, my friend was gracious and she knows my heart. I left to pray and spend time with the Lord while the service went on. We left early as I was in no place to talk or try and fellowship. Much of the day I cried on and off. Monday was similar. I am thankful for friends who message me and one dear friend that is in the same position I am in called and listened to my heart. What a blessing!
I know there may be someone out there who is aching and hurting like I have been. Children are looked down upon in our world. Abortion is everywhere you turn! Children are an inconvenience to so many. Careers, lifestyles, sports, relationships…..I’ve seen so many things take a place of importance above family and children. Kids are “in the way” or an annoyance to deal with. Motherhood is laughed at and mocked in many circles. The highest calling of a married woman with children is to stay at home and care for her family. Controversial as that statement is to many, it is truth.
God has a plan for you. If you have suffered miscarriages or infertility, my heart aches with you. His purposes are higher than ours and His ways are perfect. I pray that through these hard times and hurts that we can trust in His hand. Some of you may think I am crazy for feeling this way with two children in my home. No, I truly am fine. I just know that God loves children and that He sees them as a treasure. My focus however has to change. I must be thankful for what He has given to me. I must pour all of my time, creativity, love and the gospel into the two sweet boys I have! I must trust that God knows the desires of my heart. I am NOT trusting Him as I should right now. If I feel like I know what is best for me and I want my way, THEN I am not trusting God. I am telling Him that He is not all-knowing and big enough to run my little life. He is truly worthy to be praises, honored, glorified and to have full control of me. When I look away from the gospel and what He’s done for me… I focus on myself.
As for the hurt, it is very real for me and I know it is for you. I am thankful that when my heart is broken or my spirit is down that He comforts and gives me peace. Tears are good!!
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names. Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure.”
Today I started to feel my wounds being cared for. I read some verses that ministered to my heart. I know He is always working, always. I know that He loves me beyond what I will ever know. Knowing how much a LOVE my boys, I can’t imagine the love He has for His adopted children. How could I even think He wouldn’t want the best for me? He wants to do whatever it takes to make me more like His son. I long for holiness and if it takes a broken heart to be remolded over and over again, I pray I will have the strength to endure. He promises me that He will not give me more than I can handle.
“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ”
Can I pray for you? If you have struggled infertility or have a hurt that has you on your knees, I would consider it a joy to pray for you. I would love it if you could pray for me as well. Maybe you have been there and have some encouragement or scripture that encouraged your heart. I’d love to hear it! If it’s too personal to comment, you can feel free to message me on Facebook or send me an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.